It's Been Awhile...

Let's face it... I'm really not good at this whole blogging thing! I swore I'd work on writing down my thoughts more often after my last post... And well, you can see how that turned out.

I could say that not a lot has been going on and be telling the truth... Just the same ol' stuff. Jon's still working hard at pilot training- just to update you, he tracked in September and got T-38s, which means he is training to fly fighter planes. (Sexy, right? Haha ;) While he's been busy doing that, I've just been growing this little baby in my belly. Since my last post, we have found out that we are having a boy, and we have chosen the name Jackson James. He is super active, loves kicking me and loves the sound of his daddy's voice, and dislikes Dopplers and ultrasounds. I am now 31 weeks along, so not a lot longer before we get to meet the little critter that keeps me up at night all the time. We are estatic. :)

At the same time, I could say that there is a ton of stuff going on and still be telling the truth. For starters, Jon only has a few more months of training left, and with assignment night and graduation almost in sight, we are getting antsy about what plane he will get, where and when we will move (if we don't have to stay here... Fingers crossed), and trying to imagine going through all of it with a newborn baby. Oh yeah... A newborn baby. That's another tiny HUGE change that will soon make its way into our life. Everyone knows having a baby is an adjustment, but my goodness, the preparation for the arrival is insane. Especially for a first time mom and dad! I thought because I have experience with babies and kids that I'd know exactly what I need and not be stressed, nervous, or overwhelmed by all of the planning and shopping and organizing and cleaning and decorating and... I think you get the picture. But the truth is, it IS overwhelming... Even the fun stuff. It's still fun and all of it is exciting, but it's a lot to take in too! I almost had a meltdown in Babies R Us because I couldn't find the exact milk freezer storage bags that I wanted! Haha. So, needless to say I've been running around like a mad woman trying to get things ready for our bundle of joy! Also, my mama is coming to town in a matter of weeks (okay, one month to be exact, but 4 weeks seems like it's sooner, so that's what we'll go with) and she'll be staying with us till after Jack is born so that she can help me get stuff done and help me learn to be a mom.

On a less-peachy note...

On top of that, there are a lot of personal things going on in my life that I'm dealing with at the moment. No worries, everything is A-OK with me. But I've had a hard time taking in and understanding and coming to terms with things that have happened and are happening with and to people around me.

Let me explain...

I knew that marrying into the military lifestyle meant having to sacrifice my way of living... Moving away from family and friends, starting and taking care of my new family, making new friends, etc. (To me, those are the important things, so that's what I'll focus on.)

Lately, and for awhile now, there have been some different struggles in my family, which will go unspecified for personal reasons. Lots of changes have happened and are happening, and being so far away makes it feel impossible for me to be there for my family. I can talk to them, try to help them through conversations and showing support that way, but it's not the same. Now, I love my life, and I don't complain or blame anything on the military because the Air Force is the reason me and my little family get by, but there are times when I feel sad or angry that I can't be in CA so that I can feel like I am really there to be apart of and be there for my family, even if its just through the good times. But hard times make the resounding fact that I'm not there hit home even more. Lately I have felt so helpless to help. I describe it to Jon as feeling like everything is crashing down for my family, like everything is falling to pieces, and I just want to be there to catch those pieces and put them back together. I have a very strong family, and I always viewed them as being resilient and unbreakable. But I'm finding out that things do take turns, some for the better, some for the worst, and some just because. Knowing that doesn't always make it easier though. It's hard seeing any of them struggle or go through big changes or unpleasant situations. I just want to be there and tell them I love them and give them all big hugs.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately is how I have changed since we moved to Enid last year. I showed up to OK with an open mind and enthusiastic to make new friends. I wanted to network with everyone I could and get involved in whatever I could and feel like I was apart of my husband's way of life. Well, I've made some great friends... And Ive made a few best friends as well. But that didn't come without sorting through a few who weren't too impressive. I know I should always view the glass half full and be grateful for the good apples... And I really do and I really am. However... (yes, there is a however)... I noticed that my experiences with the not-so-good apples have made me overly cautious and and very timid, and a part of my personality... The part that is super outgoing, trusting, quick-to-accept... Has definitely been changed. And for that reason, its hard for me to completely forget the bad stuff. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones making me think more about those experiences and feel more feelings toward them, or maybe it's more of a subconscious thought about what qualities I want to instill in my son as he grows up so that he won't ever have to feel how I do about this stuff right now. Whatever the reason, the change I see in myself lately has really been bothering me. I wish there was a redo button on life so I could start over and yes, be more aware of people and their intentions and who they actually are, but still not lose that trusting, confident, happy-go-lucky nature I had about me. I have to say, and I hate that it will sound like a generalization of all wives (because its not, and most of the wives are great) but those experiences I'm referring to have really made me disappointed in the idea of "We're all in this together. We're all here for each other." It wasn't/ isnt like that. At least not for me. And Im sure Im not the only one who feels that way. Like I said, I have made great friends here, and I do not mean to say that they are not here for me because they 100% have been here. I just wish I could have met them and skipped over the nonsense with other people... or that that nonsense never existed in the first place. Looking forward to the future,  if we do get get to move to a new base, I hope that it can act as the redo and that I will meet more genuinely good ladies there.... Wherever "there" is... Because I really want to feel like I'm apart of this community- the Air Force community- and not feel like I can't put myself out there and let people know who exactly I really am. I know that there will be people to steer clear of everywhere... Hopefully I'll just be able to pick them out next time and avoid them and nonsense altogether.

"Life is a rollercoaster, and I'm just along for the ride."
I guess that sums it up pretty well!

These Days...

I'm so glad that Jon and I finally got to share the news about Baby Birmingham! We wanted to wait until I was close to being done with the first trimester, but we were confident a few weeks ago after our first ultrasound that things were going to go great. I don't believe in jinxing my chances of having things go well by telling people before I'm 12 weeks. That is just silly, seeing as how it's all out of my hands anyway!

So let me update everyone on what's been happening...

We found out on Father's Day that I was pregnant again. I found out very early at only 3 weeks. Finding out that you are pregnant again is so different the second time around, or at least it was for me. I had felt so obligated to myself to get pregnant again on the first try. So instead of the nervousness and anxiety that comes with a very first pregnancy, I felt relief and even more gratefulness. My prayers were definitely answered! From the get go, I just felt like it was going to be different. I wasn't feeling the same pains. I didn't feel that feeling of "I just don't think something is right." I was just pretty calm. Excited, but calm and trusting that God would take care of everything. Needless to say, there were a few times during the following couple weeks when I got a few little negative thoughts in my head about how things were going, but it always turned out to be nothing.

Me at 4 weeks (1 month photo :)

Things have changed so rapidly over the last few months. I feel like my body has been invaded by something foreign (oh wait, that's because it pretty much has been.) I have been so unbelieveably sick, starting at about 6 weeks. I went home to Cali at 6 weeks, and unfortunately I was in bed most of the time due to nausea and terrible heartburn. I was bummed that I missed out on getting to enjoy real mexican food from Cuca's and Rosa Maria's, as that was what I was looking forward to most, after seeing my family and friends of course! However, I could hardly eat anything other than McDonald's plain cheeseburgers and water. While I was home I got to go shopping (at Motherhood Maternity mainly because I got my bump super early on and couldn't fit into any of my clothes!) and my mom did a photo shoot with me and my sister, Cami. Mama is practicing on her photography skills so that she can take Baby Birmingham's newborn photos. I will upload some of the pictures from our shoot when she sends them to me. She's had to hide them until we made the announcement! :)

Things only got worse (as far as how I was feeling, that is) during Week 7. My body chose to let morning sickness kick in in full effect on the same day that I had to fly back to Oklahoma. My second flight got delayed, so what was supposed to be a 7-ish-hour trip (already too long of a trip for how I was feeling) turned into about a 13-hour trip, plus almost a 2 hour drive from OKC to Enid. And I threw up the entire day. Before boarding, on the plane, after getting off the plane, after eating, while waiting around for hours for my next flight, on the drive home, when I got home. I felt like I could have rolled over and croaked, and I don't mean like a frog!

The next morning I called my doctor and they gave me Zofran and I had to follow a liquid diet. It worked for about a day and a half and then I was back to being BFF's with the toilet bowl about 15 times a day, literally! I couldn't eat anything solid and could barely drink anything or even eat ice chips the whole week. That friday it landed me in the ER for dehydration and uncontrollable vomitting. I was so weak and could hardly couldn't stand. I lost about 6 lbs in just 5 days. I felt and looked like death. They gave me an IV of fluids and Zofran, and also did blood work to see what was going on with my hormones. I had a feeling the baby was okay, but at the same time was worried about the fact that I hadn't been able to get any sort of nutritients or even take my prenatals regularly in over a week. Results came back saying that at 8 weeks my quant levels were 225,000. On the chart the doctor had it said the highest for that week was 200,000. I was so happy that it was such a high number as I thought that that meant a reeeeeally healthy baby! The doctor even jokingly said, "Maybe you've got twins!" (Which I only thought was a little funny because it made my family's idea that I was carrying twins, due to how big my bump was, even more possible! In reality it kind of freaked me out!) After being in the ER for several hours, I felt much better and finally got to go home. I was extremely exhausted, and went straight to bed as soon as I got home. I had the best night's sleep that night that I had had in weeks.

At almost 9 weeks, Jon and I went to a baby orientation type thing that the base offers. We sat for about 4.5 hours listening to different speakers and getting packs of free baby stuff. It was very imfortative and reassured me that the hospital I have chosen to deliver at is the one for me. Later that evening I got a message from my doctor's nurse saying that she had made me an appointment for an ultrasound (about 2 weeks sooner than what I had scheduled my first one for.) My doctor had looked at my results from the blood work and was concerned about my levels being so high. I was surprised... I thought that the high levels were a good sign? I called her right back to see what was going on, and the nurse informed me that the doctor wanted to make sure that I didn't have a molar or ectopic pregnancy, or to see if in fact, I was carrying twins. Immediately after hanging up I burst into tears, so scared that this meant something bad was going to happen... that I was going to get bad news the next day at my appointment. I couldn't even sleep the night before. I was so anxious.

The next morning, bright and early, I, along with Darcey, went to my appointment. Jon had training that morning and I wasn't sure if he would make it in time. Jon texted me right as I got to the hospital and said he was on his way, and he arrived right before the ultrasound, and I was really happy and comforted by him being there. So, after a few minutes, the TV came on and I saw a little something. I thought, "Ok, well it doesn't just look like a blob of nothing... what? Heyyy, that looks like... like a BABY!" Luckily, there was a baby! Just one, but I was okay with that, and there was a little flutter on its chest! 

We were absolutely relieved and thrilled to see that our baby had a heartbeat... a strong heart rate of 175! We were even more excited when the Ultrasound Tech said "Oh, it's moving!" The baby was kicking its little feet, and wiggling its bottom back and forth. I could not believe what I was seeing, thinking, "All this is going on inside of me? HOW WEIRD!" ;) At this point, Jon and I decided that the baby looked like a little turtle, so Jon named him Franklin (after a cartoon turtle named Franklin) for the time being!

However, this is NOT what we will be naming our child! Haha.

My doctor's nurse called me with more information about the baby, saying everything looked really great. The baby measured to the day of how far along I was, and that the gestational sac was bigger than normal, but it wasn't something to worry about.

After the first ultrasound, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Everything felt "right" and I didn't feel like I had to worry.

I continued on being sick for another week, and fortunately on my new medicine Phenergan, i wasn't nearly as sick as the week before. And THANK GOD, at 10 weeks my morning sickness almost fully disappeared! I actually was able to get myself ready, go eat at a restaurant with my hubby, go on a shopping trip (even though certain foods still make me gag so I must avoid certain aisles. Going to the baby section always makes me feel better though!)

Yesterday Jon and I went for my first appointment with my actual doctor's office. Jon made fun of the "paper-gown-outfit-that-really-isn't-a-gown-at-all" I had to wear (those of you who have Dr. Bergner and go to these types of appointments, you know probably know what I'm referring to) saying "Is that you John Wayne?" because of the "vest-like-thing." Doc said next time Jon gets to wear the vest, then I can make fun of him!

Anyway, here is the ultrasound picture from yesterday (11 weeks)

Baby's heart rate was 172, it measured right on point, and is now proportionate in size to the sac. The doctor said my body must have just made a bigger sac earlier on for some reason, and that is probably why I was so darn sick! Now that the worst is over, I don't mind as much that I had to go through it. I just got it out of the way sooner! ;) 

Also, as you can see, the baby no longer looks like a chubby and stubby little turtle, but more like a little monkey (especially in the bottom picture!) So, Jon decided that now its name would be George, after Curious George. Go figure! ;) (Again, this is not what we will be naming the baby!)

Right now, life is as perfect as it can get! We are so blessed for the chance to finally be expecting parents, and we are so happy that we have such great family and friends that are here for us throughout everything! I'll be sure to keep everyone updated as time goes on!

Love,

Kate



Out of Tune...

I am really wanting to get back into some kind of schedule. I feel like I have been lounging around the house wayyyy too much. Only problem is Oklahoma weather has been wayyyy too hot for me to want to venture outside! A whopping 105 degrees! Seriously? I've tried exercising at home, reading and doing crossword puzzles (you know, "smart" stuff to reassure myself that my brain cells aren't dying while I am out of school ;) and I have even tried training the dogs a little bit more every now and then. They seem to forget their manners more often than not! If I do leave the house, it is to go to Walmart, not to buy anything usually, but mainly to just walk around. How sad, huh? (Sad, but actually not surprising considering Walmart is the biggest store/main attraction in Enid. Hehe! I'm sure I am not the only one in town who does this!)

I thought being out of school for the summer would be fun and relaxing like I remember summer break being when I was in high school, but more than anything it has only turned out to be uneventful and completely monotonous. For this reason, I have decided to go back to school full time next semester, even if being pregnant is in my future. I told myself that I would not want to take on a full load at school, but realize now that I would literally go CrAzY if I was home all the time like I am right now! I figure the semester is only like what, a million bijillion 4 months long? Not to mention I will get an extended Halloween weekend, Thanksgiving Break, and then be finished before Christmas... I guess I really can't complain!

I am glad, however, that I have free time this summer for one big reason though... 

I GET TO GO HOME TO CALIFORNIA!!!

Only a week and a half and I will be on a big ol' plane to good ol' So Cal. I haven't seen my family since last summer when Jon and I got married, and I miss all of them so much... especially my niece and nephews who are growing up much too fast while I am away. I'm not sure how it will all work out, but I am hoping Jon and I will get to go visit around Christmas time, too. Guess we will see! :)

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer!

Love,

Kate

Waiting...

I have less than 2 weeks left until we can start trying to get pregnant again. I am so anxious I can hardly contain myself at this point. In both good and bad ways.While time has actually passed fairly fast, it hasn't been fast enough for me.

Unless you've experienced it, it is difficult to truly understand the emotions and struggles that tag along with all such a loss. And in my case, not being able to try right away has held me back from feeling like I have fully gotten through everything. It's like I have been forced to face it for what feels like a very long time, with no way around it... no finality to it. I guess it was a good thing because I have experienced the highs and lows and everything in between and I couldn't jump into anything too soon. I know I am definitely ready to move on now. To be able to say that we're trying instead of that we are waiting to try.

While I am excited to have my freedom back in a sense, I have realized that I feel very awkward doing things like I used to... For instance, I have a hard time looking at baby stuff... online or in store... or saying things like, "When we have a baby..." because I feel like it is pointless for me to look at ideas for baby rooms, or at cute baby clothes, or to think so far forward to the time when we will, in fact, have a child... I got my hopes up last time by doing all of these things. It seems like I no longer have the luxury of looking forward to my next pregnancy and dreaming of things so innocently like other women do. It seems like I am not going to feel okay and confident until my (future) baby actually arrives, whenever that is going to be. Hopefully it will change with the next + positive sign +

I am really hoping for a + soon.

Fingers crossed.

I'm Back!

After months of refusing to bring my blog back, I finally caved in. I figure if there has ever been a time that I needed to write the most, this would probably be it.

I originally deleted my blog because I felt that I wasn't being "real" when writing. But this time, all you're going to get from me is "real." The unedited, raw truth of what goes on on this roller coaster I call life! ;) A lot has happened to me since my last blog post...

Let's begin with the good news.

As most of you know, Jon and I live in Enid, Oklahoma and Jon is stationed at Vance AFB for pilot training. At the beginning of March we moved out of our tiny little house off base and into base housing. We completely love our new house. I had a blank slate to add our my style to each room instead of having to work around our old landlords style. We also almost DOUBLED the square footage. Now we feel like we can actually move around. Jon put up a fence in our backyard for the dogs, and built a picnic bench for our front patio. We've planted flowers and prettied up our yard. We finally got a new bedding set, too... (Barbara Barry's "Poetical-something-or-other") It is so pretty and very comfy! Now I just have to figure out how to decorate. So far all we have is a lamp and a tissue box!

Here's a picture....

In other news, Jon started UPT in March. He's in Phase II now and is flying T-6's. Yesterday he got to do spins for the first time. As stressful as it all is, he is really liking it and is feeling a lot better now that he is actually flying. 

I finished my freshman year of college at Northern Oklahoma College. I was very excited to find out that I got straight A's again this semester, especially with everything that has gone on during the last couple of months.

This brings me to the not-so-good news.

Jon and I have gone through a lot in the last year. Between him graduating, moving to Texas/California, getting married, moving to Oklahoma, me starting school again, Jon starting pilot training... it's had its hectic moments. In the mix, we were also trying to start a family. I found out last year that I have a condition called endometriosis. For those of you that don't know what that is, it is, in a nutshell, a condition where tissue builds up on the outside of the uterus and can grow on surrounding organs. It can be, and in my situation was, very painful, and it can caused problems sometimes when a woman is trying to conceive. It caused me a lot of pain for months and months, but because we had to move around so much, I could not have the surgery to be formally diagnosed and have the tissue removed until we were settled in at Vance AFB. In October I had the surgery and it took about a month to recover. After having surgery, the best chances to get conceive are within the first year. I felt a million times better, and Jon and I decided that we wanted to try to start a family. A few days after moving into our new home on base, I was unpacking boxes and found a pregnancy test. We had not had any luck getting pregnant any of the previous months, so I thought with a tiny bit of resentment, "What's different about this month." I put the test away, and a few minutes later I went back to it thinking, "It can't hurt anything. I'll just take it to confirm I'm not."

Well, to my surprise there was the FAINTEST line possible. I ran outside to get Jon, telling him I thought I was seeing things. He was unsure as well if it was just our eyes playing tricks on us, so I waited till the next day. In the morning I took another test, and it came out positive. I WAS FINALLY PREGNANT! :)

Like many girls do, for the weeks to come I was excited and scared and nervous that the baby was okay and trying to make sure I was doing everything right. Week after week I became more grateful that everything was going well and that I had been lucky enough to make it to the next week. 

Around the middle of week 6 things started to change though. After a few days of thinking it was all in my head, I started feeling like something wasn't right and immediately called my doctor. I went in for a blood test that Thursday and they said my levels were fine. I had to go back Saturday to get another blood test done, but since it was the weekend I wouldn't have the results to see if my levels were still increasing until Monday. After returning home from the lab on Saturday, I started having bad pains. I went to the ER thinking that it was either an ectopic pregnancy or that I was miscarrying. Of course, you always think the worst right?

They did more blood work and an ultrasound, and I got to see the baby. I was very happy that there actually was a baby... It's a weird feeling having to wait weeks knowing that you're pregnant but not being able to see the baby. It almost doesn't feel real. Anyway, after the ultrasound things went downhill even more. I thought I was for sure having a miscarriage. After hours of sitting around waiting for answers, the PA came in and said the ultrasound results came back fine. The baby was smaller than it should have been for how far along I was, but the PA said it wasn't an indication that something was necessarily wrong. He said because of my symptoms I could be miscarrying, or it could be normal.

I went home dreading what was to come. I laid in bed for a few hours, and oddly enough my pain just stopped. I slept through the night, and the next day I woke up feeling great. I was so relieved and thought that maybe I was just one of those girls had weird, unexplainable but normal things happen to them during pregnancy. As the day went on though, my pain came back, and it only got worse as time went on.

I ended up having a miscarriage later that night at about 7 1/2 weeks. I had already thought on Saturday that it was going to happen at the ER, so when it finally did, I felt that I was at least somewhat prepared. It took me a few days to actually get over the shock of it all and break down and be sad about it. 

I'm not writing this to have people feel sorry for me... It is more of a way to let it out. I have amazing friends and family, and a wonderful husband who lets me go on and on about it. They have been so super supportive through it all, but inside I still feel like I'm hiding it from the world. And if anyone realllllly knows me well, then you know I hate keeping secrets.. both good ones and bad ones. I want to get it out, even if it's not what girls typically do or are supposed to do when this happens to them, because it makes me feel better to have people know and therefore be able to support me.

 We know everything happens for a reason, and I know that Baby #1 is in heaven and knows how much we love him/her. Hopefully the next time around things will work out better. Nevertheless, I am happy to know that I am even able to get pregnant and that someday I WILL be a mommy.

Jon and I have one more month to wait before we can start trying again. Time is going by so slowly it seems, but I have finally come to terms with everything that happened. We are looking forward to see what God has in store for us, and until then, I will be working on my housewife skills while school is out, and Jon will continue to work hard at his training. 

Till next time...

Love,

Kate