I could say that not a lot has been going on and be telling the truth... Just the same ol' stuff. Jon's still working hard at pilot training- just to update you, he tracked in September and got T-38s, which means he is training to fly fighter planes. (Sexy, right? Haha ;) While he's been busy doing that, I've just been growing this little baby in my belly. Since my last post, we have found out that we are having a boy, and we have chosen the name Jackson James. He is super active, loves kicking me and loves the sound of his daddy's voice, and dislikes Dopplers and ultrasounds. I am now 31 weeks along, so not a lot longer before we get to meet the little critter that keeps me up at night all the time. We are estatic. :)
At the same time, I could say that there is a ton of stuff going on and still be telling the truth. For starters, Jon only has a few more months of training left, and with assignment night and graduation almost in sight, we are getting antsy about what plane he will get, where and when we will move (if we don't have to stay here... Fingers crossed), and trying to imagine going through all of it with a newborn baby. Oh yeah... A newborn baby. That's another
On a less-peachy note...
On top of that, there are a lot of personal things going on in my life that I'm dealing with at the moment. No worries, everything is A-OK with me. But I've had a hard time taking in and understanding and coming to terms with things that have happened and are happening with and to people around me.
Let me explain...
I knew that marrying into the military lifestyle meant having to sacrifice my way of living... Moving away from family and friends, starting and taking care of my new family, making new friends, etc. (To me, those are the important things, so that's what I'll focus on.)
Lately, and for awhile now, there have been some different struggles in my family, which will go unspecified for personal reasons. Lots of changes have happened and are happening, and being so far away makes it feel impossible for me to be there for my family. I can talk to them, try to help them through conversations and showing support that way, but it's not the same. Now, I love my life, and I don't complain or blame anything on the military because the Air Force is the reason me and my little family get by, but there are times when I feel sad or angry that I can't be in CA so that I can feel like I am really there to be apart of and be there for my family, even if its just through the good times. But hard times make the resounding fact that I'm not there hit home even more. Lately I have felt so helpless to help. I describe it to Jon as feeling like everything is crashing down for my family, like everything is falling to pieces, and I just want to be there to catch those pieces and put them back together. I have a very strong family, and I always viewed them as being resilient and unbreakable. But I'm finding out that things do take turns, some for the better, some for the worst, and some just because. Knowing that doesn't always make it easier though. It's hard seeing any of them struggle or go through big changes or unpleasant situations. I just want to be there and tell them I love them and give them all big hugs.
Another thing that has been on my mind lately is how I have changed since we moved to Enid last year. I showed up to OK with an open mind and enthusiastic to make new friends. I wanted to network with everyone I could and get involved in whatever I could and feel like I was apart of my husband's way of life. Well, I've made some great friends... And Ive made a few best friends as well. But that didn't come without sorting through a few who weren't too impressive. I know I should always view the glass half full and be grateful for the good apples... And I really do and I really am. However... (yes, there is a however)... I noticed that my experiences with the not-so-good apples have made me overly cautious and and very timid, and a part of my personality... The part that is super outgoing, trusting, quick-to-accept... Has definitely been changed. And for that reason, its hard for me to completely forget the bad stuff. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones making me think more about those experiences and feel more feelings toward them, or maybe it's more of a subconscious thought about what qualities I want to instill in my son as he grows up so that he won't ever have to feel how I do about this stuff right now. Whatever the reason, the change I see in myself lately has really been bothering me. I wish there was a redo button on life so I could start over and yes, be more aware of people and their intentions and who they actually are, but still not lose that trusting, confident, happy-go-lucky nature I had about me. I have to say, and I hate that it will sound like a generalization of all wives (because its not, and most of the wives are great) but those experiences I'm referring to have really made me disappointed in the idea of "We're all in this together. We're all here for each other." It wasn't/ isnt like that. At least not for me. And Im sure Im not the only one who feels that way. Like I said, I have made great friends here, and I do not mean to say that they are not here for me because they 100% have been here. I just wish I could have met them and skipped over the nonsense with other people... or that that nonsense never existed in the first place. Looking forward to the future, if we do get get to move to a new base, I hope that it can act as the redo and that I will meet more genuinely good ladies there.... Wherever "there" is... Because I really want to feel like I'm apart of this community- the Air Force community- and not feel like I can't put myself out there and let people know who exactly I really am. I know that there will be people to steer clear of everywhere... Hopefully I'll just be able to pick them out next time and avoid them and nonsense altogether.
"Life is a rollercoaster, and I'm just along for the ride."
I guess that sums it up pretty well!
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