Waiting...

I have less than 2 weeks left until we can start trying to get pregnant again. I am so anxious I can hardly contain myself at this point. In both good and bad ways.While time has actually passed fairly fast, it hasn't been fast enough for me.

Unless you've experienced it, it is difficult to truly understand the emotions and struggles that tag along with all such a loss. And in my case, not being able to try right away has held me back from feeling like I have fully gotten through everything. It's like I have been forced to face it for what feels like a very long time, with no way around it... no finality to it. I guess it was a good thing because I have experienced the highs and lows and everything in between and I couldn't jump into anything too soon. I know I am definitely ready to move on now. To be able to say that we're trying instead of that we are waiting to try.

While I am excited to have my freedom back in a sense, I have realized that I feel very awkward doing things like I used to... For instance, I have a hard time looking at baby stuff... online or in store... or saying things like, "When we have a baby..." because I feel like it is pointless for me to look at ideas for baby rooms, or at cute baby clothes, or to think so far forward to the time when we will, in fact, have a child... I got my hopes up last time by doing all of these things. It seems like I no longer have the luxury of looking forward to my next pregnancy and dreaming of things so innocently like other women do. It seems like I am not going to feel okay and confident until my (future) baby actually arrives, whenever that is going to be. Hopefully it will change with the next + positive sign +

I am really hoping for a + soon.

Fingers crossed.