After months of refusing to bring my blog back, I finally caved in. I figure if there has ever been a time that I needed to write the most, this would probably be it.
I originally deleted my blog because I felt that I wasn't being "real" when writing. But this time, all you're going to get from me is "real." The unedited, raw truth of what goes on on this roller coaster I call life! ;) A lot has happened to me since my last blog post...
Let's begin with the good news.
As most of you know, Jon and I live in Enid, Oklahoma and Jon is stationed at Vance AFB for pilot training. At the beginning of March we moved out of our tiny little house off base and into base housing. We completely love our new house. I had a blank slate to add our my style to each room instead of having to work around our old landlords style. We also almost DOUBLED the square footage. Now we feel like we can actually move around. Jon put up a fence in our backyard for the dogs, and built a picnic bench for our front patio. We've planted flowers and prettied up our yard. We finally got a new bedding set, too... (Barbara Barry's "Poetical-something-or-other") It is so pretty and very comfy! Now I just have to figure out how to decorate. So far all we have is a lamp and a tissue box!
Here's a picture....
In other news, Jon started UPT in March. He's in Phase II now and is flying T-6's. Yesterday he got to do spins for the first time. As stressful as it all is, he is really liking it and is feeling a lot better now that he is actually flying.
I finished my freshman year of college at Northern Oklahoma College. I was very excited to find out that I got straight A's again this semester, especially with everything that has gone on during the last couple of months.
This brings me to the not-so-good news.
Jon and I have gone through a lot in the last year. Between him graduating, moving to Texas/California, getting married, moving to Oklahoma, me starting school again, Jon starting pilot training... it's had its hectic moments. In the mix, we were also trying to start a family. I found out last year that I have a condition called endometriosis. For those of you that don't know what that is, it is, in a nutshell, a condition where tissue builds up on the outside of the uterus and can grow on surrounding organs. It can be, and in my situation was, very painful, and it can caused problems sometimes when a woman is trying to conceive. It caused me a lot of pain for months and months, but because we had to move around so much, I could not have the surgery to be formally diagnosed and have the tissue removed until we were settled in at Vance AFB. In October I had the surgery and it took about a month to recover. After having surgery, the best chances to get conceive are within the first year. I felt a million times better, and Jon and I decided that we wanted to try to start a family. A few days after moving into our new home on base, I was unpacking boxes and found a pregnancy test. We had not had any luck getting pregnant any of the previous months, so I thought with a tiny bit of resentment, "What's different about this month." I put the test away, and a few minutes later I went back to it thinking, "It can't hurt anything. I'll just take it to confirm I'm not."
Well, to my surprise there was the FAINTEST line possible. I ran outside to get Jon, telling him I thought I was seeing things. He was unsure as well if it was just our eyes playing tricks on us, so I waited till the next day. In the morning I took another test, and it came out positive. I WAS FINALLY PREGNANT! :)
Like many girls do, for the weeks to come I was excited and scared and nervous that the baby was okay and trying to make sure I was doing everything right. Week after week I became more grateful that everything was going well and that I had been lucky enough to make it to the next week.
Around the middle of week 6 things started to change though. After a few days of thinking it was all in my head, I started feeling like something wasn't right and immediately called my doctor. I went in for a blood test that Thursday and they said my levels were fine. I had to go back Saturday to get another blood test done, but since it was the weekend I wouldn't have the results to see if my levels were still increasing until Monday. After returning home from the lab on Saturday, I started having bad pains. I went to the ER thinking that it was either an ectopic pregnancy or that I was miscarrying. Of course, you always think the worst right?
They did more blood work and an ultrasound, and I got to see the baby. I was very happy that there actually was a baby... It's a weird feeling having to wait weeks knowing that you're pregnant but not being able to see the baby. It almost doesn't feel real. Anyway, after the ultrasound things went downhill even more. I thought I was for sure having a miscarriage. After hours of sitting around waiting for answers, the PA came in and said the ultrasound results came back fine. The baby was smaller than it should have been for how far along I was, but the PA said it wasn't an indication that something was necessarily wrong. He said because of my symptoms I could be miscarrying, or it could be normal.
I went home dreading what was to come. I laid in bed for a few hours, and oddly enough my pain just stopped. I slept through the night, and the next day I woke up feeling great. I was so relieved and thought that maybe I was just one of those girls had weird, unexplainable but normal things happen to them during pregnancy. As the day went on though, my pain came back, and it only got worse as time went on.
I ended up having a miscarriage later that night at about 7 1/2 weeks. I had already thought on Saturday that it was going to happen at the ER, so when it finally did, I felt that I was at least somewhat prepared. It took me a few days to actually get over the shock of it all and break down and be sad about it.
I'm not writing this to have people feel sorry for me... It is more of a way to let it out. I have amazing friends and family, and a wonderful husband who lets me go on and on about it. They have been so super supportive through it all, but inside I still feel like I'm hiding it from the world. And if anyone realllllly knows me well, then you know I hate keeping secrets.. both good ones and bad ones. I want to get it out, even if it's not what girls typically do or are supposed to do when this happens to them, because it makes me feel better to have people know and therefore be able to support me.
We know everything happens for a reason, and I know that Baby #1 is in heaven and knows how much we love him/her. Hopefully the next time around things will work out better. Nevertheless, I am happy to know that I am even able to get pregnant and that someday I WILL be a mommy.
Jon and I have one more month to wait before we can start trying again. Time is going by so slowly it seems, but I have finally come to terms with everything that happened. We are looking forward to see what God has in store for us, and until then, I will be working on my housewife skills while school is out, and Jon will continue to work hard at his training.
Till next time...
Love,
Kate
